"Minnie Driver was recently quoted as saying "I couldn't do two as a single mom, I really couldn't, it would be too much."
When I read that I found myself thinking, this woman feels my pain!! And this is a woman with all kinds of resources at her fingertips. When I got pregnant I would have described myself as calm, patient, competent, successful, smart woman. I was surrounded by my wonderful friends and felt like I could conquer the world. I had dreams: the father of my child was going to love and support me, stand by my side as we raised this wonderful child together, I was going to be one of those calm, together women who took her child everywhere with her whilst adults marveled at his wonderful behaviour, he would eat only organic food and be everything in life that I wasn't. And even when the father questioned having a child, I said "It's fine, I'll do it by myself", while clinging to my dreams and ideals.
The pregnancy itself was pretty great, I had so many friends around me struggling to conceive, I felt blessed beyond belief. I was unemployed at the time (who on earth would be stupid enough to hire a pregnant girl!) and had heard all these horror stories of being turned away at the hospital due to not having insurance but luckily the State of California provides insurance for pregnant women, so even though my doctor was rough and impatient and rushed, I was sooo very thankful for even having one. I got to give birth at Cedars Sinai Hospital of 90210 fame. As a child I always remember seeing that Star of David and associated it with Hollywood glamour and while I wasn't exactly living the dream, they were wonderful there. My lactation consultant at the hospital was spectacular, she gave me tiny tips that made the world of difference to a determined breast feeder. But once I had given birth (5 weeks early) that was it. There was no midwife, no visits, no instruction. I was left with a child and some dreams.
His father had come back into my life late on in the pregnancy and said he was going to try to be there for me and our son. He made it to the emergency c-section by the skin of his teeth and stayed with me for a week, he slept through almost everything, nurses would come and go and talk in loud voices and he wouldn't even stir! Then my mother came to take over and she stayed for two weeks. She was a life saver in that I was so deliriously tired, food and eating were the last things on my mind. I would probably have starved to death. During my pregnancy my friends had organized a rota of food deliveries and they kicked in as soon as she left. I really couldn't have been more grateful, I just don't know how I would have coped with having to buy groceries on top of everything else.
When babies are newborn, they just really aren't that much fun. They don't do much more than eat, sleep and poop. But never have I felt so overwhelmed with love and joy as when I looked at my little boy. He was generally such a happy boy and I really loved being around him and just staring at him. As he reached 6 weeks old, I thought about the American mothers who have to return to work at that time and was once again grateful for my unemployment. I just really can't imagine leaving a 6 week old baby with a stranger and going off to work. It astounds me that anyone thinks that is reasonable. Americans have such a weird attitude to taking time off work, I just don't get it.
Unfortunately my bank wasn't as grateful for my unemployment as I was. They have a rule in America that you can only claim unemployment for 6 months, and once it runs out, it runs out and you are done. On to welfare. As someone who grew up pretty middle class I was horrified to have to apply for welfare. But I swallowed my pride as you do when your child's needs are greater than your pride, ego or abilities. To apply for welfare you have to go to the local office and take a ticket and sit with the hundreds of other applicants and wait for your turn. They ask you to fill in paperwork that takes at least an hour because they need every detail of your life. And then they turn you down. All of this accompanied by a newborn baby. I was told that as a family of two I was supposed to live on $532 a month, that includes rent, bills, groceries, nappies, everything. I earned rental income so I didn't qualify. This is Los Angeles, you can't even rent a room in someone’s house for $532 a month! So I called my mortgage company to see if they could either modify my loan or just give me a 3 month payment break, they told me that I didn't earn enough money to qualify for aid. If I earned more they could do all kinds of wonderful things for me though. On top of all of this, the father of my child broke up with me because he couldn't take all the pressure.
During this time I discovered what a raging temper I have, how lacking in patience I am, that the love of my child and my need to protect him made me feel capable of murder and how very judgmental of myself I had become. I felt a failure because I couldn't get a job, I felt a failure because I was going to lose my house, our home and my biggest failure was that I couldn't get a man to love me enough to want to be a parent to his own child. While I knew that was more about him than me, I couldn't help the feelings washing over me. I was devastated and depressed and gradually, as reality sank in for my friends they dropped away, one by one. Or in some cases I dropped them, my survival instinct was such that I knew I could only have positivity around me and my child. So if you didn't meet requirements you were out. I cried and I prayed, I applied for job after job. As a matter of survival, nap time had to be rigid. If I ate dairy, garlic or onions it would upset his stomach and that would mean less sleep for me. It came down to was it more important for me to shower or wash the endless dishes/clothes/toys/bottles or just nap myself? Inevitably the shower lost the majority of these battles. But one thing I lost when I was pregnant was my dignity so really, the lack of showers wasn't a big deal. And when I would finally got one, never have I appreciated those moments alone under the water more. I could not tell you how old my son was when he spoke his first word, when he took his first step or when he cut his first tooth. But my goodness the first time he slept through the night was when he was exactly 6 months old, I have never been so grateful in my life.
Looking back on those first 6 months, they were really such a blur. Nothing prepares you for the exhaustion you will feel trying to raise a child on your own, or even with a partner! One thing that I do believe saved me was my wonderful Arms Reach co-sleeper. It meant that my little one was literally right next to me, but in his own bed. I could roll on my side and scoop him up, feed him and put him back to sleep whilst barely waking myself. If he cried I could just reach out and stroke him and that seemed to help. He went into his own room at 6 months and I have to say my insomnia got much worse after that because I kept thinking I couldn’t hear him, or that the baby monitor wasn’t working. There is a certain peace to having your child right next to you but I also recognized I would never sleep again if he was actually in my bed. Luca was definitely one of those babies that the minute you put him in the car and drove him around he would pass out, there were nights when I was tempted to drive the streets of Los Angeles at 3am but I was so terrified I would fall asleep at the wheel I just couldn’t risk it. Oh the tortures of trying to figure out what your child needs to sleep!
I was the only single mother in my group of friends and most of them had a lot of money with nannies and night nurses and housekeepers and I definitely envied the fact that they had time to get their hair done, or nails done, go out for a drink or just be alone or that they had the money to go to fun classes with their children. But most of all I envied them having a partner in crime to experience the highs and lows of a newborn child. So here is my list of pluses and minuses to being a single parent, and shockingly, there are some pluses!
On the PLUS side:
As a strong minded woman I didn’t have anyone telling me (at least that had any influence) that I should be doing things differently
I also didn’t have anyone trying to influence the name I chose for my child (‘Dwayne’ had been mentioned!!!!)
I got the make all the health decisions for my child and felt confident in those choices
A few friends have mentioned that having a husband is like having an extra child to care for, no thanks, one is enough!
I get to feed my son healthy fruits and vegetables and don’t have a man trying to bring junk food in to my house and tempt my child (it seems a lot of men do this!)
I developed a calm routine that my son follows and that works for us both
If you can do this, you can do anything
On the MINUS side:
When it’s all going wrong, there is poop in the babies cot and you need an extra pair of hands to change those sheets while you hold the baby, there is no one
When your child is sick and you need to pick up a prescription you have to drag your sick child to the pharmacy and wait 20 minutes to get medicine, while your baby screams and they chat about Desperate Housewives
When you are sick it’s just tough, power on through because you have no choice
You don’t get to shower alone
You have no one to make you see reason when you have lost all powers of self control due to exhaustion
You have no one to tell you everything is going to be ok
No one wants to employ you
Worst of all, you have no one to share in those unbelievably special moments when your child touches your heart
One of the most shocking things was that the people who judged me the most as being incapable of working were mothers themselves! I was told by my agent that no one would hire a single mother so she couldn't put me up for any jobs. Surely as a mother you recognize it is tough but you also realize that a mother will do anything to support her child. So I started lying (or omitting the truth) to new agents so that I wouldn't be judged. I finally got a job when my son was just over a year old. I had begged, borrowed, lied and scraped by but I had made it through to employment! It was so devastating to me to be gone for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week from this most precious of beings, but I continued to pump breast milk at work and each night I would make him healthy food for the next day. Healthy food was one thing I would not compromise on. But it nearly killed me. Never have I felt such exhaustion. Never have tiny things going wrong made me feel like it was the end of the world. And on my drive home I would start feeling sick with the excitement/anxiousness of getting back to my child, god help you if you got in my way.
My mother begged me to come home to England. I missed my family, more than ever before. One time when my son got pneumonia, I had started a new job and could NOT take time off, my mother dropped everything and flew to America for three weeks to look after him. What a godsend she was. People who get to raise their children around family are fortunate indeed. Thinking about people I knew in England who haven't worked a day, who have their bills paid, live in three bedroom houses and can afford foreign holidays I was more than tempted to pack it all in. I felt envy. But I know that America, with all its faults and lack of support for mothers, is my home and I know that if I made it through the last three years, I can make it through anything!
Reading this back I find myself feeling like it reads as being the most awful time in my life, but in reality this has been the best three years of my life and it has flown by so quickly it scares me. When I had my newborn baby in my arms I loved him with all my heart, but as he has grown so has my heart, to the point where it has almost taken me over! I love him so very much, he brings so much joy and happiness to my life it is impossible to express quite how much. I feel so blessed by having this amazing human being as my child. It doesn't matter what time he wakes up, the best alarm clock I have ever had is his voice. His smile lifts me. When he says "I love you Mummy" I just want to explode. The joy of every new discovery is seen through his eyes. I feel strong and powerful that I have made it through and it is all so much easier now. And when a little three year old girl hurts his feelings, I am strong enough to overcome my urge to give her the smackdown!!
But I certainly couldn't do two as a single mother.
When I read that I found myself thinking, this woman feels my pain!! And this is a woman with all kinds of resources at her fingertips. When I got pregnant I would have described myself as calm, patient, competent, successful, smart woman. I was surrounded by my wonderful friends and felt like I could conquer the world. I had dreams: the father of my child was going to love and support me, stand by my side as we raised this wonderful child together, I was going to be one of those calm, together women who took her child everywhere with her whilst adults marveled at his wonderful behaviour, he would eat only organic food and be everything in life that I wasn't. And even when the father questioned having a child, I said "It's fine, I'll do it by myself", while clinging to my dreams and ideals.
The pregnancy itself was pretty great, I had so many friends around me struggling to conceive, I felt blessed beyond belief. I was unemployed at the time (who on earth would be stupid enough to hire a pregnant girl!) and had heard all these horror stories of being turned away at the hospital due to not having insurance but luckily the State of California provides insurance for pregnant women, so even though my doctor was rough and impatient and rushed, I was sooo very thankful for even having one. I got to give birth at Cedars Sinai Hospital of 90210 fame. As a child I always remember seeing that Star of David and associated it with Hollywood glamour and while I wasn't exactly living the dream, they were wonderful there. My lactation consultant at the hospital was spectacular, she gave me tiny tips that made the world of difference to a determined breast feeder. But once I had given birth (5 weeks early) that was it. There was no midwife, no visits, no instruction. I was left with a child and some dreams.
His father had come back into my life late on in the pregnancy and said he was going to try to be there for me and our son. He made it to the emergency c-section by the skin of his teeth and stayed with me for a week, he slept through almost everything, nurses would come and go and talk in loud voices and he wouldn't even stir! Then my mother came to take over and she stayed for two weeks. She was a life saver in that I was so deliriously tired, food and eating were the last things on my mind. I would probably have starved to death. During my pregnancy my friends had organized a rota of food deliveries and they kicked in as soon as she left. I really couldn't have been more grateful, I just don't know how I would have coped with having to buy groceries on top of everything else.
When babies are newborn, they just really aren't that much fun. They don't do much more than eat, sleep and poop. But never have I felt so overwhelmed with love and joy as when I looked at my little boy. He was generally such a happy boy and I really loved being around him and just staring at him. As he reached 6 weeks old, I thought about the American mothers who have to return to work at that time and was once again grateful for my unemployment. I just really can't imagine leaving a 6 week old baby with a stranger and going off to work. It astounds me that anyone thinks that is reasonable. Americans have such a weird attitude to taking time off work, I just don't get it.
Unfortunately my bank wasn't as grateful for my unemployment as I was. They have a rule in America that you can only claim unemployment for 6 months, and once it runs out, it runs out and you are done. On to welfare. As someone who grew up pretty middle class I was horrified to have to apply for welfare. But I swallowed my pride as you do when your child's needs are greater than your pride, ego or abilities. To apply for welfare you have to go to the local office and take a ticket and sit with the hundreds of other applicants and wait for your turn. They ask you to fill in paperwork that takes at least an hour because they need every detail of your life. And then they turn you down. All of this accompanied by a newborn baby. I was told that as a family of two I was supposed to live on $532 a month, that includes rent, bills, groceries, nappies, everything. I earned rental income so I didn't qualify. This is Los Angeles, you can't even rent a room in someone’s house for $532 a month! So I called my mortgage company to see if they could either modify my loan or just give me a 3 month payment break, they told me that I didn't earn enough money to qualify for aid. If I earned more they could do all kinds of wonderful things for me though. On top of all of this, the father of my child broke up with me because he couldn't take all the pressure.
During this time I discovered what a raging temper I have, how lacking in patience I am, that the love of my child and my need to protect him made me feel capable of murder and how very judgmental of myself I had become. I felt a failure because I couldn't get a job, I felt a failure because I was going to lose my house, our home and my biggest failure was that I couldn't get a man to love me enough to want to be a parent to his own child. While I knew that was more about him than me, I couldn't help the feelings washing over me. I was devastated and depressed and gradually, as reality sank in for my friends they dropped away, one by one. Or in some cases I dropped them, my survival instinct was such that I knew I could only have positivity around me and my child. So if you didn't meet requirements you were out. I cried and I prayed, I applied for job after job. As a matter of survival, nap time had to be rigid. If I ate dairy, garlic or onions it would upset his stomach and that would mean less sleep for me. It came down to was it more important for me to shower or wash the endless dishes/clothes/toys/bottles or just nap myself? Inevitably the shower lost the majority of these battles. But one thing I lost when I was pregnant was my dignity so really, the lack of showers wasn't a big deal. And when I would finally got one, never have I appreciated those moments alone under the water more. I could not tell you how old my son was when he spoke his first word, when he took his first step or when he cut his first tooth. But my goodness the first time he slept through the night was when he was exactly 6 months old, I have never been so grateful in my life.
Looking back on those first 6 months, they were really such a blur. Nothing prepares you for the exhaustion you will feel trying to raise a child on your own, or even with a partner! One thing that I do believe saved me was my wonderful Arms Reach co-sleeper. It meant that my little one was literally right next to me, but in his own bed. I could roll on my side and scoop him up, feed him and put him back to sleep whilst barely waking myself. If he cried I could just reach out and stroke him and that seemed to help. He went into his own room at 6 months and I have to say my insomnia got much worse after that because I kept thinking I couldn’t hear him, or that the baby monitor wasn’t working. There is a certain peace to having your child right next to you but I also recognized I would never sleep again if he was actually in my bed. Luca was definitely one of those babies that the minute you put him in the car and drove him around he would pass out, there were nights when I was tempted to drive the streets of Los Angeles at 3am but I was so terrified I would fall asleep at the wheel I just couldn’t risk it. Oh the tortures of trying to figure out what your child needs to sleep!
I was the only single mother in my group of friends and most of them had a lot of money with nannies and night nurses and housekeepers and I definitely envied the fact that they had time to get their hair done, or nails done, go out for a drink or just be alone or that they had the money to go to fun classes with their children. But most of all I envied them having a partner in crime to experience the highs and lows of a newborn child. So here is my list of pluses and minuses to being a single parent, and shockingly, there are some pluses!
On the PLUS side:
As a strong minded woman I didn’t have anyone telling me (at least that had any influence) that I should be doing things differently
I also didn’t have anyone trying to influence the name I chose for my child (‘Dwayne’ had been mentioned!!!!)
I got the make all the health decisions for my child and felt confident in those choices
A few friends have mentioned that having a husband is like having an extra child to care for, no thanks, one is enough!
I get to feed my son healthy fruits and vegetables and don’t have a man trying to bring junk food in to my house and tempt my child (it seems a lot of men do this!)
I developed a calm routine that my son follows and that works for us both
If you can do this, you can do anything
On the MINUS side:
When it’s all going wrong, there is poop in the babies cot and you need an extra pair of hands to change those sheets while you hold the baby, there is no one
When your child is sick and you need to pick up a prescription you have to drag your sick child to the pharmacy and wait 20 minutes to get medicine, while your baby screams and they chat about Desperate Housewives
When you are sick it’s just tough, power on through because you have no choice
You don’t get to shower alone
You have no one to make you see reason when you have lost all powers of self control due to exhaustion
You have no one to tell you everything is going to be ok
No one wants to employ you
Worst of all, you have no one to share in those unbelievably special moments when your child touches your heart
One of the most shocking things was that the people who judged me the most as being incapable of working were mothers themselves! I was told by my agent that no one would hire a single mother so she couldn't put me up for any jobs. Surely as a mother you recognize it is tough but you also realize that a mother will do anything to support her child. So I started lying (or omitting the truth) to new agents so that I wouldn't be judged. I finally got a job when my son was just over a year old. I had begged, borrowed, lied and scraped by but I had made it through to employment! It was so devastating to me to be gone for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week from this most precious of beings, but I continued to pump breast milk at work and each night I would make him healthy food for the next day. Healthy food was one thing I would not compromise on. But it nearly killed me. Never have I felt such exhaustion. Never have tiny things going wrong made me feel like it was the end of the world. And on my drive home I would start feeling sick with the excitement/anxiousness of getting back to my child, god help you if you got in my way.
My mother begged me to come home to England. I missed my family, more than ever before. One time when my son got pneumonia, I had started a new job and could NOT take time off, my mother dropped everything and flew to America for three weeks to look after him. What a godsend she was. People who get to raise their children around family are fortunate indeed. Thinking about people I knew in England who haven't worked a day, who have their bills paid, live in three bedroom houses and can afford foreign holidays I was more than tempted to pack it all in. I felt envy. But I know that America, with all its faults and lack of support for mothers, is my home and I know that if I made it through the last three years, I can make it through anything!
Reading this back I find myself feeling like it reads as being the most awful time in my life, but in reality this has been the best three years of my life and it has flown by so quickly it scares me. When I had my newborn baby in my arms I loved him with all my heart, but as he has grown so has my heart, to the point where it has almost taken me over! I love him so very much, he brings so much joy and happiness to my life it is impossible to express quite how much. I feel so blessed by having this amazing human being as my child. It doesn't matter what time he wakes up, the best alarm clock I have ever had is his voice. His smile lifts me. When he says "I love you Mummy" I just want to explode. The joy of every new discovery is seen through his eyes. I feel strong and powerful that I have made it through and it is all so much easier now. And when a little three year old girl hurts his feelings, I am strong enough to overcome my urge to give her the smackdown!!
But I certainly couldn't do two as a single mother.
