Baby Blue Monday

I've got a dose of the baby blues this morning:(. It's raining, I'm on my own with the Hunter Bear, I have a "to do" list that simply isn't getting done and I can't even think of anything not newborn related to say on twitter or Facebook. I feel like I got really boring overnight. Someone came and stole Sarah in the night and replaced her with a milk making automaton.

None of my clothes fit me and I'm not so keen on the new baggy look I have been forced to adopt. I keep trying things on thinking that there must be something that looks ok and then I look in the mirror and hate what looks back. Now I take full responsibility for this: I willingly stuffed my face knowing full well there would be a price to pay and a diet to embark on but it's still a bit demoralising when I see the spare tire hanging over my waistbands...

I have this really quite odd feeling of waiting for everything to get back to normal then realising that nothing will ever be the same again: that this is the new normal...
I love Hunter more than anything but there is very little joy in caring for a newborn. He cries ALOT and it's so hard not to take it personally. I'm sure when he smiles at me for the first time, it will make these weeks of relentless eating, sleeping and crying all worthwhile: that day can't come quick enough.

I wonder where I will go next: do I have a career to go back to or is this how I will be defined now? And if this IS my new role, am I going to be any good at it?

I know this all sounds doom laden and I assure you, it's probably just a grey sky and baby blues but I have always promised to be honest here and this is how I feel today.

Yesterday Andy and I sold my little purple mini and bought a black, family friendly Ford Focus and I felt quite sad about it. Of course we need a more sensible car now and life will be infinitely easier when the Focus arrives but I feet like I was saying goodbye to the last vestiges of the life that was and saying hello to a new life that is. And it's scary.

So today I will mainly be caring for the baby, attempting to get dressed at some point and tackling the thank you cards we need to write to all the generous people who have given us such lovely things for Hunter over the past few weeks: we are very lucky. Im sorry if you think I sound ungracious and that isn't my intention at all: I always wanted to be a wife and mother and all my dreams are coming true. I'm just going to blame my baby blues on the weather.

Oh and just to assure you: I'm fairly sure this isn't PND: I don't feel that bad, just needed a big old whinge!

Roll on some sunshine:)

A Pregnancy Reflected

I never realised that babies can be quite so time consuming and I haven't quite mastered the art of breastfeeding and typing yet (I'm still struggling with the feeding itself but it's definitely improving!) so it seems like an age since I updated but here is an entry I wrote a week or so ago. Andy and I are having blissful weekend with just the 2 of us and no plans so we are finally catching up with normality:))).

Hope you're all having a lovely, peaceful weekend. Ours is lovely; not so sure about the peaceful;).

I have been ruminating and reflecting of late on the last 10 months of my life, the things I enjoyed, the things I detested about being pregnant and I decided that every pregnancy should come with a list of its own credits since there were so many things that I found invaluable during my time with child. Lots of people told me that I would miss that big ole bump when it was gone.... Do I? No, I really don't. I miss perhaps that lovely bit 2 thirds in when I wasn't huge, I was glowy and dewy and radiant and felt like the pregnant Belle of the Ball but it was such a fleeting few weeks before I was massive, bloated, refluxy and distinctly uncomfortable. I don't miss that bit at all....

So here are the things I will miss about being pregnant:

• Feeling my Ickle Pickle squirming about inside me and the anticipation of meeting him. 
• The radiant 2nd trimester when everyone told me how fab I looked and feeling pretty fab myself! 
• My skin being lovely and clear because of the period of enforced detoxification;). My hair not falling out and getting thick and lush. 
• Being the centre of attention (everyone loves a preggy bird!). To be fair, given what I do for a living, I really enjoy being the centre of attention anyway;).
• Being able to eat what I like GUILT FREE because if you can't do it when you're preggers, when can you? I will miss all that cake, I really will;). 

And here are the things I really won't miss about being pregnant:

• The constant, nagging worry that something could go wrong (though to be fair, now he is here, I will worry for the rest of my life about whether he is safe from harm so this one is a bit of a misnomer). 
• Heartburn, reflux and all the unpleasant and uncomfortable digestive complaints in between. (I think Andy will heartily agree with this one: I doubt he will miss my gassy backside much;)) 
• Having a bladder the size of a marble and having to empty it every 20 minutes.
•  Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
• Walking like a weebl, especially from 7 months onwards.
• Backache 
• Swollen hands and feet (which meant I had to give my lovely diamond engagement ring to my Mama for safe keeping. I miss that diamond, but my fingers are still too fat to wear it) 
• Not being able to follow fashion IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM;(.
• Not being able to sleep on my tummy. Actually, not being able to sleep, period. Stretch marks. The boobs and belly will never be the same again. 
• The distinct lack of gin;)

Looking like this: (I really was HUGE!)

1 Hour Away From Giving Birth

Of course, now it seems as if I was never pregnant, but for a couple of rather annoying reminders: I still haven't shifted my carpal tunnel although I think as of today, it's improving a bit. I'm also still a bit sore from the c section and am still bleeding (although according to the NCT girls, that can last up to 7 bloody weeks: pun definitely intended!) and of course, there's an extra stone and a half I will have to shift at some point if I am ever to fit into my pre preggy wardrobe again. As it is, Mama Cawood and I had to hit Primarni last week to get me some size 12 clothes as I really don't want to be still wearing my maternity stuff now but can't get that donut belly into my old skinnys quite yet. There's plenty of time to hit the diet trail. At the moment, I just want to enjoy my new job: Motherhood:).

Battle Of The Breast (Feeding)

So, I wrote this entry over a week ago but OBVIOUSLY I no longer know what day of the week it is, what time of day it is and whether or not I have actually done the stuff I meant to do, so please excuse the tardiness and increasing irrelevance. It seems like we came home last year some time, not last week sometime;(. But here is how I felt about it at the time:

So, we came home yesterday which was brilliant and terrifying in equal measure. Here we are, with this tiny new thing, entirely dependant on us for every thing and we DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT WE'RE DOING! Every little thing that we do is a new adventure that we embark on together, we nappy change in tag team format, we dress and feed the same way. It feels very much like we are in this together and we have joked quite a lot that we feel like the blind leading the blind but I think we are doing OK. The Little Boy has clothes on, food in his belly, he sleeps 2 or 3 hours at a time and we are learning not to get stressed when he starts having a meltdown because that's what newborns do. It's SO hard not to take the screaming personally but you just have to keep thinking that that is the only way a tiny, 4 day old child can express themselves. The one ironic thing that I keep thinking on this journey is that although he have baby books and the internet to look at for advice, it really is a case of Help! Where's The Manual?????? Never has a blog been so aptly named;(. We are muddling through though and what's more, we are really enjoying blundering through these first clumsy days of parenting. It's definitely brought us closer as a couple: I love seeing my boys together and seeing bits of my future husband in my new son. It's magical. I am a very lucky lady.

So the next few weeks are all about getting into a routine and recovering from the surgery. I think it gets widely forgotten that a caesarean section is major abdominal surgery, because the focus is obviously on the fact that you gave birth, albeit in a less conventional manner. It's very hard to move about post operatively: you don't realise how much you use your stomach muscles to do every day things until they bloody hurt when you do them. Getting up from the bed is a real challenge and I haven't slept lying down since the op now. I have had to learn to drink more carefully, because if a sip goes down the wrong hole, the resulting coughing can be AGONY. And an audience full of post operative c section women would be the perfect crowd for a comedian testing new material: if you can get a laugh out of us, then it must be REALLY BLOODY FUNNY as laughing is to be avoided AT ALL COSTS.....

That's as far as I got! Reading that back, I can't believe how much I've improved already:) Obviously I can't hump heavy gear around and the vacuuming is definitely best left to Andy (that's SUCH a shame;)) but I'm much more mobile now, I can sit up without wincing and I almost feel back to my usual self.

So, in certain ways the C section was a bit of a gift but I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's a PAIN IN THE ARSE when it comes to breast feeding. I'm discovering more women every day who had a nightmare post elective C-section and had to quit early because their children simply weren't getting enough milk. I'm taking specifically about elective C sections not emergency ones (though most of them are hardly elective but strongly recommended by the medics), whereby there is still a trigger of labour to tell the body to ready itself for milk production. We are still giving Hunter formula top ups after each feed and I have been working really hard to boost the milk I'm producing. This is how a feeding session goes chez Cawood:

Give baby breast (right or left, whichever one I didn't start with before). Feed him on it for half an hour of so trying to keep him awake to feed properly. Change his nappy, which he hates so it invariably wakes him RIGHT UP. Baby works himself up into a frenzy so whack him on 2nd boob whilst I get the old Lansinoh pump to work extracting the last vestiges from 1st boob. Pump for 10 or so minutes, feed child for half an hour or so. When child is fed, hand him to willing helper or if am flying solo, settle him onto lap for 10 minutes while I pump 2nd boob. Feed small child what I pumped then if he's still shoving his fist in his mouth and whinging, top him up with a bit of formula.

I'm also taking fenugreek: a herbal supplement said to boost milk supply.... It's fricking exhausting:(.

Whoever said that breast feeding is far more convenient to formula clearly never had a milk production issue:-/. If I formula fed the little critter, I could dump a ready made carton of formula into a bottle and give it to any old Tom, Dick or willing participant to give to him while I get my 8 hours beauty sleep in....

Listen, I'm not saying that giving your baby formula is bad, and I really sympathise with all the women who've had to throw in the towel (50% of women do before their child is 6 weeks old) but I feel like my uncooperative boobies have set me a challenge and I WILL NOT BE BEATEN. I'm not sure whether it's because of my hard work, obsessive Internet research or sheer bloodymindedness but there definitely seems to be more milk in the coffers so to speak so I'm going to carry on as I am for 4 more weeks and hopefully, if the milk continues to flow, I will be able to feed without the formula top ups and become one of those beatific, breast feeding lovelies you see in the park on a sunny day, making it look like the most wonderful, most convenient thing in all the world. If not, then my breasticles' loss is Aptamil's gain:-/....

That's the breast feeding story.....

There are many more post partum issues to discuss but for now, I will leave it here. In the meantime, please do enjoy the following photograph of Andy and I which we have called "Portrait Of New Parents". Mmmmm, don't we just look lovely????;(.

*Boyfriend/Daddy Footnote*

We are little over 1 week old parents. As Hunter’s parents we’ve desperately tried to remain light hearted and jovial despite having very little sleep and spending hours trying to establish what the hell he wants when he cries – it’s like the most confusing game of charades ever.

Hunter sleeps in 2 to 3 hour patches, being awake for about an hour between, however when we most want to put him to bed (11pm) he decides to throw this schedule out of the window. He likes to keep his dad up until about 2.30am. I find myself wandering around our flat showing him the sights until I nearly nod off so have to sit down – this upsets him so I’m up again, rocking, soothing, rocking and soothing. I can’t believe he’s read up on military torture tactics.

One fear I had was when it came to soothing my child was me not coming up to scratch in the art of song. I’m no Celine Dion or Barry Manilow (That’s what the kids listen too right?) so thought I’d never calm Hunter by singing a lullaby. I have however found an alternative. I repeat noises or phrases over and over. i.e. shhh shhh sh sh shhh shhh sh shhh or sleep bom bom sleep bom bom. You get the point. I’m no Gary Barlow or Lennon and McCartney! This has had some success at 5am! Hunter basically looks at me for 20 minutes like I’m a mentalist but hey at least he’s judgmental eyes aren’t crying. I am also very happy in the knowledge that I could be embarrassing my son well before he’s in his teens! That’s the measure of success when it comes to parenting right?

Apart from a bit of sleep deprivation and the odd tantrum, Hunter John Merry has been a joy. He’s not too ugly too which I think is a miracle bearing in mind babies generally look like old men. My mum put it the best when she was on the phone to her friend ‘He’s got Sarah’s nose and mouth… apart from that he’s so beautiful.’ She of course meant ‘All the rest of him is beautiful too’ but she didn’t – This made me smile.

We took him to the town hall to register him as a real human and get his birth certificate. This was very exciting for me. We have a new member of the Merry Clan! It was also nice to get him out of the house, get some fresh air and pretend we know what we’re doing in public places – All very grown up.

Apart from that I have one phenomenon to tell you about. Nappies aren’t that bad. He’s had some black, tar like ones, weird yellowy little ones and the odd giant oozing brown one but despite my fears we’re doing ok. I did have one gag at 2am once but apart from that I guess they’re fine as long as they are products of your offspring. I expect many a space in this blog to be filled with toilet stories so I won’t continue too much more here…

But I will just say that you guys are now reading the words of a real life altruistic action hero. 2 days ago, Sarah and I were changing a nappy (Team changing makes it like a family event – like camping but less damp, mucky and expensive) and Hunter decided to pee… like a slow motion action dive, to the sound of heart beats and deep prolonged groans I lifted my hand blocking the projectile from hitting Sarah on the stomach. I then stood and waited for His Majesty to finish what felt like the longest and warmest wee in history. I thank you! This was a lot more successful than when he hit his new, clean outfit that I placed right next to him. Lesson learned!

Off to wash my hands,








Andy x



PS. We have been so touched by peoples messages, cards, presents, love and congratulations – It’s been really overwhelming and makes me realise how lucky we are and how lovely people can be. Thank you x

Hunter Merry, Media Star....

Hunter John Merry was born 8lb 5oz at 10.01am on 27th march and he's become so popular with the press and media we've already started teaching him to sign autographs. OK! magazine also want to snap him this week so we thought we'd put on hold posting up birth details and photos onto our blog until this has been printed.

We have a lot to write about with the birth and our first tiring week as new parents and we'll continue updating you all on the highs and lows of being Hunter's parents, slaves and press relations contacts soon (even if we can barely open our eyes to write).

Love

Sarah and Andy

Life As We Know It.....

Wow! This week has been a bit of a blur (and THAT may be a bit of an understatement). Some of what is below, is what I wrote the day the Ickle Pickke arrived and then over the next few days I will post the rest of what's been on my mind and going down in the world of a newborn parent. I hope it all sort of makes sense.... So, here we start:

Hunter John Merry arrived at 10.01am this morning, thrust bum first into the world out of the top of my abdomen. He's 8lb 5oz, has a head of hair and is quite simply the most beautiful child I have ever laid eyes on, but then I would say that;).

It's been an exhilarating and exhausting day but I can't sleep for the life of me. I've given up trying now.

Andy and I were half expecting to wait around all day and not get seen until Wednesday but a space opened up and suddenly it was all go go go! The epidural was odd and I found the whole surgical process both terrifying and fascinating. I tried not to think too hard about what was going on beyond the tent and concentrate on the baby being born. I had heard that having a caesarean was like having someone wash up in your insides but I didn't feel anything like that really: a little bit of tugging but no more. My surgeon informed me afterwards that I have quite a few little fibroids in my uterus which were making it hard for my womb to naturally contract down after they had taken the placenta so I had all sorts of drips etc for that and various other stuff in recovery afterwards where Andy, Hunter and I went to be "observed" for an hour or so until we were allowed up to the post natal ward.

In fact, I have felt like a pin cushion pretty much all day. I have been on a veritable cocktail of drugs to kill pain, lower blood pressure, ease constipation, minimise the chance of thrombosis. You name it, it's gone in me. And I'm not going to lie, it's made me feel ROUGH. I haven't had a bleeding hangover for 10 months so all this toxicity is a bit of a shock to the system:(.

Hunter has been so good all day and latched on like a veritable pro. Unfortunately, because of the c section, my colostrum seems to be in short supply so he has had a little bit of formula tonight which has put him out entirely. It's a shame I can't seem to do the same. I feel totally spent and yet totally wired. I suspect I am completely overwhelmed by new mummy hood. I have now stopped stressing and decided to go with it. I'm sure I will pass out at some point: my body will just cave in. Anyway, in short, modern medicine never fails to completely astound me. Most unpleasant part of my experience in theatre today was when my blood pressure dropped and I spent about 5 minutes dry heaving (thank god for nil by mouth or I would have been blowing some serious chunks:() but they managed to regulate it and the nausea passed. Andy took loads of photos of Hunter being wiped and weighed and brought him over to me. It was frustrating not to be able to cuddle him but it was also wonderful to see him with his daddy after 9 months of having him all to myself.....

Saturday 30th March 2012. 4 days AH (After Hunter).

I couldn't finish that entry in hospital because my high blood pressure became a bit of a cause for concern and the midwives persuaded me I REALLY needed to sleep so I succumbed to a hit of morphine. I won't lie, it was LOVELY! I had a catheter for 24 hours after I had my op so had to hand over all baby caring duties to the midwives and Andy which made me a bit sad but it was lovely to watch Andy getting on with the business of parenting. And by his own admission, his first nappy change was a TRIUMPH. That first poo is STICKY SHIT man, and he rose to the occasion with aplomb, getting down to it with the help of copious wet wipes and under the watchful gaze of midwife Tomi whom he made give him a round of applause after he had completed the task. It's the little things.....;).

My only job was to get the baby latched on which he appeared to be doing really well. The only problem was that my colostrum was and still is, in short supply so the little bugger was really hungry and not getting anywhere near the sustenance he needed so after screaming the ward down for a couple of hours, I was persuaded to give him some formula.... 

You see the massive drawback to a planned caesarean is that there are no signs to your body that the baby is moving onto the next stage, so one minute your womb is full and the next, baby gone! It takes a while for everything else to catch up so my milk has still not come in and we have had to give the poor Ickle Pickle formula lest he starve since my crappy colostrum reserves would never sustain him. I felt like such a failure: when you're this hormonal post natally, you really take this shiznit to heart. I'm determined to give the breast feeding my best shot though, so rather than risk him deciding that a fulfilling bottle is WAY more satisfying than my empty boobs we have been feeding him his formula from a little sippy cup so that way, the food process is merely a way of satisfying his appetite and not the comforting experience that I'm hoping a meal at Cafe Cawood will be. It's fiddly, messy and not much fun for any of us but I'm hoping it will mean that he wants to feed from me when the elusive white stuff arrives. JEEEESUS! The anticipation is killing all of us. I'm having a cheeky pump session with the Lansinoh of Joy to encourage it along and drinking loads of water which is meant to help too. And I'm trying not to feel like a bad mother for tormenting my son with 6 bouts of bleeding sippy cup a day in the meantime.

The one great thing about this arrangement is that Andy can feed his son and I know that a lot of men feel a bit sidelined by the breast feeding thing. I'm hoping to be able to express too so that he can continue to feed little Hunter.

So, there's so much I keep thinking of to tell you.... But I think at the moment, the main thing that I wanted to communicate to anyone who has to have a planned section is to warn them about this delay in milk coming in because I have felt very upset and frustrated by it. I know most women manage to feed their children with their colostrum while they wait but I just don't have it to give....

So I may have dodged the labour bullet but my situation came with all kinds of its own caveats. I loved being awake at night on the ward though: us planned C sections were moved to the ante natal ward due to the overflowing post natal ward which was amazing because it was lovely and peaceful but for the odd latent labouring lady, quietly moaning in one of the bays, or my little angel, screaming the place down for grub. (sorry other ward ladies). 

So, There we have it, Hunter is here. Almost 1 week old already. And here he is:

Getting Ready To Say Goodbye To The Bump.

Being Introduced To Mummy. Mummy Crying;(.

Skin To Skin In Recovery

First Cuddles.

With Daddy. 1 Day Old

Hunter John Merry. (this is his "Blue Steel"!)

Just before I go, I need to say a HUGE thank you to all the midwives, nurses, doctors and various specialists at The Whittington Hospital in Archway, London. I had the most amazing care from all of them and once more, I was in awe of our healthcare service. SAVE THE NHS.......

To Be Continued.....