Mournful Monday

Can you wake me up in 5 weeks please???

I am now 35 weeks pregnant. But I'm worried. About everything. I'm worried we won't be ready on time. I'm worried about how I'm going to deliver this BIG baby. I'm worried that it might not be perfect and that it will be my fault for eating too much crap. I'm worried that I look fat and bloated now.(see photos below) I'm worried about what to wear for my Dad's 70th birthday bash on March 10th since I now fit into very little. I'm just anxious ALL. THE. TIME. And I can't help but feel like I should be enjoying these last few weeks but that's also proving to be a real challenge.

My back hurts pretty much 100% of the time and the numbness and tingling in both my hands is quite uncomfortable too. I'm finding everything a struggle from making a cup of tea to putting a wash on and I feel bad when I ask my various "mums" to help me out since I've never had to before. I feel like I have lost my independence entirely. And the irony of all of these woes is that I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling this way and there are bound to be loads of people out there who think I'm a total wimp and to stop whinging. I just want to cry:(.

I managed to waddle to a "do" the other day and the Mail Online gave me a really lovely write up (you can see it here:) but I felt so embarrassed on the red carpet and then I feel guilty cos I'm sure I should be proud of my big bump. For someone who goes on telly for a living, all of a sudden I feel very strange when people look at me. I am a hormonal, weebly mess. Is it normal to feel like this at this stage? Is anyone else feeling the same way? Or am I just an ungrateful, moany old whinge bag?

I now completely understand the historical concept of a period of confinement for pregnant ladies. Today the idea of a darkened room and no visitors until after the Ickle Pickle arrives sounds quite heavenly.

Yesterday my lovely In Laws came down with the intention of getting the rest of the jobs done but we were thwarted at every turn: the cot was damaged in transit but we only discovered this when Andy got it out of the box to assemble it. The relocation of towel rails and the putting up of shelves in the bathroom was a stud partition disaster resulting in less than we started with, ie, no towel rail, no shelves and some lovely big holes in the wall. We did manage to dismantle the bed that was in the spare room and get it down into the cellar. It was just a shame that when I kept Andy awake ALL last night with my restless fidgeting that he had nowhere to relocate his night's sleep. Bugger, bollocks and wank;(.

I find it really hard to turn over at night: the bump feels SO heavy! I saw my midwife last week and she said that it feels like it's all baby.....apparently with some women they can feel that there's a lot of water in there too but no, inside me it's all Ickle Pickle. I wonder how much it weighs right now? I'm not considered at term until 37 weeks but as soon as I've passed that milestone, I'm going to be getting on the natural induction train: raspberry leaf tea, reflexology, acupuncture, pineapple, sex, curries, exercise; you name it, I'm doing it;).

I feel so embarrassed by the way I'm feeling, like I'm failing myself, my baby, my family and my friends somehow. I think there's a real pressure on pregnant ladies to feel serene and calm and blessed at all times and I just feel like I'm letting myself down by feeling this miserable and anxious. At the moment, I don't even feel excited about meeting my baby after all this time.

There must be something wrong with me right? What happens if I don't love the Ickle Pickle? Today, I feel sort of indifferent to my precious cargo and guilty that I'm so miserable about all the challenges of pregnancy that I clearly haven't risen too. I really thought that I'd be dead good at this, that I'd sail through it and be the envy of everyone but nothing could be further from the truth: I'm rubbish at it. I'm hoping that I'm rather better at writing about the fact that I'm rubbish at it;).

Anyway, that's Mournful Monday for you. I'm so sorry to be a bore. Tomorrow, I'm going to write about my sooooper lovely day at The Baby Show on Friday. I had such a lovely time and met some lovely people and got some amazing bits and pieces so I promise tomorrow's entry will be sunny side up!

OK, I'm off to make a cup of tea and cuddle the kitten:). Mwah
Sx

This Time Last Year....

Today has not just been Valentine's Day for me, it is also a year to the day that I lost our first baby. Andy hates me talking about it, or referencing it in any way but as any woman will tell you, that's how we deal with our losses: we talk about them. I am unafraid to address the elephant in the room although I suspect that it will not be mentioned over our three course £20 meal deal this evening.....


I wanted to talk about it now because it is an issue often swept under the carpet. I think perhaps because it is so common, women are expected to just Get On With It after it happens, certainly I felt like I had to put on a brave face, not fall apart, chalk it up to being One Of Those Things, when inside, my heart was breaking. 


Of course in some ways I was very lucky: we lost our baby 1 week shy of our first scan. We didn't have to go through the heartbreak of going to the hospital only to be told there was no heartbeat inside, or worse, to go further with the pregnancy and then lose our baby as some women have done. Now that I have carried the Ickle Pickle for so long, the thought of losing it is terrifying: it's a thought that keeps me awake at night sometimes. I have come this far with my baby, now I need to deliver safely and then continue to shield our child through all of life's myriad perils. It's a daunting thought. Anyway, I guess part of the reason that I wanted to post this rather serious blog entry is because I am wholly aware of just how lucky we are. After last year's miscarriage, I wondered how long it would take for us to conceive again and I was petrified of the idea that that may have been our only chance. It transpired that it was not our only chance and to anyone who has suffered the same bad fortune, take this to heart....


I remember after the m/c I read that a woman's fertility is naturally a little higher for a little while afterwards (http://www.babymed.com/fertility-after-miscarriage) and even if that's not written in stone, it certainly made me feel like there was light at the end of my darkness. Personally I felt ready to get back on the horse straight away, so to speak, but it's different for everyone and some people need longer to process their grief and get started on their emotional and physical recovery.


I discovered after my m/c that very single one of the women in my quite extensive patchwork family had suffered a loss at some point and now we are surrounded by a plethora of loud, healthy children with me due to add to the noise in 7 week:-).


So I guess the reason that I wanted to talk about it today is to say that where there is loss, there is also hope. As my wonderful, pragmatic GP said in the aftermath of our trauma, "egg met sperm Sarah, egg met sperm, and if you can do it once, you can do it again..." So if you have had a similar experience then I am sending my sincerest sympathies but also my brightest hopeful best wishes for a new start for you. Hang in there ladies and now, go and enjoy your Valentine's Eve, I hope you get spoiled rotten and who knows, with all this love in the air, maybe the are babies to be conceived this cold winter's night so get your best undies on, open your best bottle of plonk and get baby making....


All I can say is, what a difference a year makes;). Sxxx 

*Boyfriend Footnote*

Sunday was Breast Feeding Course Day! So we went along to a little learning centre with a spring in our step. That's right, I said WE went along. WE!

Why a guy was needed at a seminar for breast feeding I wasn’t sure but that fact we were ‘encouraged’ to come along made me more intrigued. Besides I missed one of our NCT classes for a Black Keys gig so I kind of had to make up some brownie points with Miss C. So we had a rock ‘n’ roll weekend!

At this juncture I’d like to point out that a motivation for me to go along was NOT the belief (Later confirmed) that we’d be looking at pictures of topless ladies and boobies. Besides I knew these would not be the usual fill of Razzle and Hustler model poses – The majority of them had a sprog attached.

I have to say like each of the anti-natal classes we attended I learnt STUFF!

I learnt two interesting facts! The World Health Organisation encourages it for the first 2 years of the child’s life. BLIMEY!

And it has just become a criminal act to ask a lady breast feeding in public to stop! AMAZING! It was part of the discriminations act introduced a couple of years ago. (It’s been legal to breast feed in public for ages and not indecent exposure.)

I also learnt it’s not easy to breastfeed. Timing needs to be good as does the environment!

I know that some mothers have struggled with feeding and that it’s a bit of a contentious issue. So much pressure to do so seems to come from midwives, the government and care workers and our ‘teacher’ didn’t let up. She even said ‘Any surveys pro breast feeding don’t need to be looked into or questioned because there’s no financial gain whereas anti breast feeding surveys are usually funded by powdered milk suppliers…. Breast feeding has so many benefits!’ Well if breastfeeding does have health benefits then it is a financial gain to the NHS to bend figures! All I’m saying is their beliefs and ideals should not be taken to heart if it doesn’t work out and you struggle to get your baby to ‘latch on correctly’ – I do listen!

Here’s a quick summary of all the courses we attended: (SPOILER ALERT!) What I’ve established over the 9 hours of NCT and 2.5 hours of breast feeding course (No exaggeration) is that just like in labour all that's needed is the mother to relax - let oxytocin flow so the body can dilate, push and later let milk flow!

Oh and… Tummy to Mummy, nipple to nose, Wait for the Gape – It’s a cute little ditty to show the best way to hold your baby and set them so they can open they’re mouth and throat for a successful feedage.

The theory’s sound but we’ll just have to wait and see. It’s key not to worry. I expect an evil eye from those working for the system who visit if we get out the bottle feed but sod them.

Right, Feeding facts over. I feel thirsty for some reason, I better be off for some milk.

Bye for now,



Andy

Make Mine An Tracksuit Please....

I am perched on my Swiss ball writing this entry, whilst doing my pelvic floor exercises: getting ready to be a multitasking genius when junior arrives;). I'm also sitting in our newly decorated office/nursery/spare room and feeling very tranquil. We haven't really got any nursery furniture besides the cot (a generous gift from Nan and Grandad Merry) because we want the room to be a multi tasking genius too but to be honest, I'm not one for stencils on walls etc anyway. I have taken before pics and will post them up with after pics when we have finished it completely: just waiting on a sofa bed and parental help dismantling the  bed that's in here already. It should be ready by the end of this month. 

I'm finding this last bit a tad frustrating actually. Isn't it bloody typical that right when you get to the sharp end of a pregnancy, the bit when Shit needs to Get Done, you can't really DO anything:(. I am finding that now, it's ALL about comfort. Ladies and Gentlemen, Style has Left The Building. My staple 8 month uniform is a hoodie and sweats, as you can see from the pics. I have had to wash the hoodie today, finally, as I noticed over tea with Suzie Upstairs that I had egg all down the front of it (moderately better than on my face though, oui?!). I'm hoping that I can get it dry and back on by the time One Born Every Minute starts this evening;). Good old New Look: where would we be without its bargainous comfort clothing? Oh and with regards to make up? Forget about it;(. I did however let vanity get the better of me and applied some especially for my make shift photo shoot this morning.....

Do you think I can get away with my "uniform" for 2 quite important meetings tomorrow......? Didn't think so;(.

So, you can see from the pics that I'm getting really quite big now. And I still have 8 weeks to go:-/. At the weekend I was so uncomfortable that I spent most of it in tears. I honestly don't see how I will fit a full sized newborn in there and still be able to move. Now I know that us pregnant ladies are meant to be beatific and glowy, excited and happy BUT I'm going to have a whinge so if it offends you, look away now...

My back hurts. Most of the day.

My hips seize up really quite painfully if I stay in one portion for any length of time.

I have developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (numb, tingling fingers in my right hand)

Any sort of movement feels very limited

Weebl syndrome is in full swing, Gracefulness has packed her bags and headed for the hills and The Waddle is now ever present.

In short, I am BLOODY UNCOMFORTABLE, a bit OVERIT and can't believe I still have 8 WEEKS LEFT!!

I'm terrified that if I actually stop moving and take to the sofa, I might be there until the Ickle Pickle decides to join us. Naively, I really thought I'd be hopping on and off public transport, wearing pretty, chintzy maternity frocks and dainty heels and lipgloss right up until DD. Oh dear. Sweet naivety Miss Cawood. How do these celebs do it, eh? They have these perfect little bumps right up until they drop: shimmying their way through their videos. We don't hear them whinging about this stuff do we? Do the same rules of pregnancy not apply to the A-List or do they somehow cheat????????????? Mmmmmm, I've heard rumours far too libellous to discuss here.......

So yes, I am whiney. I'm sorry. But I'm also really excited:-). I feel the Ickle Pickle squirming around in there all the time now and I'm desperate to meet the lil thing and get mothering;). I have pretty much emptied my diary but I'm planning a little baby shower so I can see all my friends before the Big Event. I'm also listening to my Natal Hypnotherapy stuff every day if I can so that I can relax almost subconsciously when my labour starts. From what Andy and I can gather from our Ante Natal classes, labour is pretty much a battle between 2 chemicals: adrenalin and oxytocin. Learning to relax and breathe is all about training the oxytocin to win this particular war. No one knows really how their labour will be but I will endeavour to keep it as calm as possible.

Right, that's it from Whingebags today. Maybe The Boyf will have some lovely Boyfiness to add....Andy? Over to you.....

Sxxx

Big 32 Week Bump With added Tramp Stamp. Classy, Cawood;(

New Staple Uniform, Side View. Sexy......;(

New Staple Uniform, Front View. Classy.

Big 32 Week Bump. Non Tramp Stamp View. (this will make Andy much happier than the other side view)

Keep Calm and Get Prepared.

It's 6.31am. Sometimes, annoyingly, when I get up in the night to pee, I just can't get back to sleep. This is one of those occasions. The Ickle Pickle is having a right good wriggle too so I thought I may as well be productive while I'm lying here awake. I guess I can always grab a sofa nap this afternoon if I'm truly knackered. (oh the perks of being freelance!). I'm not really a big napper though: I have had 2 naps in the course of this whole pregnancy so far. I've a feeling this will all change with our impending arrival in April....

So, we are GO! It's all hands to the deck, all systems go, doors to automatic and cross check. This baby is coming soon and it needs STUFF. I'm finding it ironic that at the very time you'd really rather just put your feet up, stuff your face and play the waiting game, you have to Get Shit Sorted. Andy has been decorating the spare room all week so we are in chaos and we took delivery of pushchairs, high chairs, strollers, and goodness knows what else just the other day. I'm amazed that one tiny ickle person can need so much STUFF! (I realise that the reality is that they don't really need all the stuff we've got but I do like to be prepared and should we decide to extend our little family in the future, we won't need to get a thing! (woah there Cawood! Shall we just get this one here safely first???)

So, yes, the decorating is in full swing, we are onto ante natal class number 3 tonight, I'm doing my preggy aqua natal class and preggy yoga and my pelvic floor muscle exercises. (when I can remember, but sitting in voice over booths is a good time to do them I've discovered, since there's always time to kill in between producer conflabs, and "takes") and so as you can can see, the transformation is complete: I am a fully fledged middle class cliche!

I often wonder if preggy girl on the street puts this much effort into it or if I am now woefully over prepared and annoyingly well informed. Andy told me off after our first ante natal class because "no one likes a class swot" and I had been the irritating one who's hand was permanently in the air to answer questions:(. Luckily I'm not the only one: there are an lot of knocked up women out there and a lot of books for them to read (there's also an awful lot of conflicting information in said books but that's a whole different blog entry!)

The one thing that keeps occurring to me in the midst of all this organisation is just how much preparation goes on for delivering Tiny People in this country. It's now pretty much the top topic of conversation with anyone I talk to (and not often instigated by me, I hasten to add). My life has suddenly become all about this One Day in the Spring when my body will take over from my mind and things will get totally Primal for 24 hours or so. And I'm not going to lie, I am a bit nervous and apprehensive even though my Natal Hypnotherapy books would say that I should channel those fears into excitement and relaxation. And I am doing to a certain degree: I'm practicing all my deep breathing and listening to my relaxation CDs but I'm only human and when I watch One Born Every Minute (which I LOVE by the way), occasionally, I get a little judder of NERVES. Yes, I'm not afraid to admit it, I'm a little bit scared:-/. With each passing day, I am more and more impressed by women who just Get On With It. I really hope that I am one of those women when the time comes and not one of the panicked screamers who have me shouting at my tv: "bloody calm down woman! You're making things WAY worse with all this fuss!" (you can find out from Andy in 9 weeks or so whether I was Shouty or Calm;))

The other thing that niggles at the back of my mind is the unthinkable happening, that we will have come all this way and then tragedy will strike and we will come home without the Ickle Pickle... I know it's morbid and I'm not dwelling on those thoughts but come on, we're human right? Well, as I said, I don't indulge those dark thoughts but of course they occasionally cross my mind. The UK has one of the worst stillbirth rates in the developed world  (http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/health-news/2012/01/18/tackling-uk-s-shocking-stillbirth-rate-could-save-1-200-babies-lives-a-year-115875-23705054)/and my nerves really weren't helped by reading the heartbreaking cover story of The Observer Magazine last weekend about one woman's loss. (yes, I know it was a stupid thing to do).

Those thoughts don't consume me in any way but occasionally, if the Ickle Pickle has had a quiet day or something, they pop into my head uninvited and linger for longer than is polite. However, ultimately, one has to out one's faith in statistics and the NHS as well as my own ability to deliver this child safely: it's what we ladies were ultimately designed for at the end of the day! But it's been on my mind so I thought I should share it.

Ultimately though, we are both getting really excited to meet our offspring and start family life. What a trip! Not ONE person, either friend, acquaintance, or twitterer has told me that my life will be changed forever and not in a good way. No, to a Man or Woman, all anyone has said is how totally ACE being a parent is. So I am really starting to feel the anticipation! We. Are. Go!

Just before I bugger off, I just wanted to remind you of the Baby Show ticket giveaway I ran a week or so ago. I have 2 pairs of tix to give away to whoever comes up with the most ridiculous moniker for our unborn child. Either tweet your suggestions @sarah_cawood, or leave them in the comment box here on the blog. I'll choose a winner in the next couple of days. The Baby Show is running at ExCel London from 24th-26th February and I'm going down on the Friday so if you're down there too: come and say hi! I'm hoping to drag down some celebby mates too so keep your eyes peeled for the Telly Yummy Mummy brigade! (http://www.thebabyshow.co.ucak/)