I've got a dose of the baby blues this morning:(. It's raining, I'm on my own with the Hunter Bear, I have a "to do" list that simply isn't getting done and I can't even think of anything not newborn related to say on twitter or Facebook. I feel like I got really boring overnight. Someone came and stole Sarah in the night and replaced her with a milk making automaton.
None of my clothes fit me and I'm not so keen on the new baggy look I have been forced to adopt. I keep trying things on thinking that there must be something that looks ok and then I look in the mirror and hate what looks back. Now I take full responsibility for this: I willingly stuffed my face knowing full well there would be a price to pay and a diet to embark on but it's still a bit demoralising when I see the spare tire hanging over my waistbands...
I have this really quite odd feeling of waiting for everything to get back to normal then realising that nothing will ever be the same again: that this is the new normal...
I love Hunter more than anything but there is very little joy in caring for a newborn. He cries ALOT and it's so hard not to take it personally. I'm sure when he smiles at me for the first time, it will make these weeks of relentless eating, sleeping and crying all worthwhile: that day can't come quick enough.
I wonder where I will go next: do I have a career to go back to or is this how I will be defined now? And if this IS my new role, am I going to be any good at it?
I know this all sounds doom laden and I assure you, it's probably just a grey sky and baby blues but I have always promised to be honest here and this is how I feel today.
Yesterday Andy and I sold my little purple mini and bought a black, family friendly Ford Focus and I felt quite sad about it. Of course we need a more sensible car now and life will be infinitely easier when the Focus arrives but I feet like I was saying goodbye to the last vestiges of the life that was and saying hello to a new life that is. And it's scary.
So today I will mainly be caring for the baby, attempting to get dressed at some point and tackling the thank you cards we need to write to all the generous people who have given us such lovely things for Hunter over the past few weeks: we are very lucky. Im sorry if you think I sound ungracious and that isn't my intention at all: I always wanted to be a wife and mother and all my dreams are coming true. I'm just going to blame my baby blues on the weather.
Oh and just to assure you: I'm fairly sure this isn't PND: I don't feel that bad, just needed a big old whinge!
Roll on some sunshine:)
Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit down Sarah, remember that here always is a good place to rant and not feel bad about it, best of luck looking after little Hunter.
ReplyDeleteI for one really appreciate the honesty of your posts. I am 5 months preggo and overjoyed, but am finding that people are much more prone to giving me the rainbows and magic view of pregnancy and motherhood. I would much rather hear about what life really is going to look like in a few months time, dirty nappies and all!
ReplyDeleteHope tomorrow is a better day for you!
Hi Sarah, you've just taken me back nearly 16 years to when I had my eldest son. I had pre-eclampsia followed by an emergency c-section and although I got the most beautiful baby boy I can quite clearly remember having moments of feeling exactly as you do today. Like you, I had my own little car - it was a Ford Fiesta XR2 and my husband quite rightly insisted that we needed a nice sensible black Ford Sierra, it broke my heart to let go of what I considered to be my last bit of pre-mummyness! Then came the day when I took a good look in the mirror at my post c-section tummy
ReplyDelete:( Now I never had a flat tummy but the reality of what stared back at me didn't exactly thrill me! However, I can remember turning round and looking on the bed at my gorgeous baby boy who I had nearly lost so many times during the pregnancy and it made it all worthwhile. Now, nearly 16 years on and having had another gorgeous boy and another c-section, followed by a hysterectomy at only 39 because of fibroids, I know that it was all worth it - even losing the XR2 lol. Cherish the baby time, it goes by sooo quickly and I would love to have the chance to do it all again. There is no doubt its flaming tough having the first one and all the changes it brings but when my 15 and a half year old, (having has his heart broken for the first time) told me I was the most special woman in his life it makes it all worthwhile. Oh and my 12, soon to be 13 year old doing his Peter Griffin impression is enough to melt anyone's heart! Good luck with everything, take help where you can and live in the moment, it passes in the blink of an eye. xxx
I love reading your updates. Everything you are feeling is normal and don't be too hard on yourself. You will get back in your old clothes, life will return to normal. Just give yourself time...before you know it you'll look back on this bit and feel nostalgic (and you'll forget how much baby cries!)
ReplyDeleteSarah you write so well. when these first few months have passed you will look back and realise the crying wasn't so bad and you both did really well. it's perfectly normal to feel down every now and then your living on very little sleep. Don't worry about the weight it WILL go and just make sure hunter isn't Colicky I think they can have gripe water from birth x and finally of course you will have a career to go back too but at the moment you've got the best job in the world xxx big hugs xxx
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