I've got a dose of the baby blues this morning:(. It's raining, I'm on my own with the Hunter Bear, I have a "to do" list that simply isn't getting done and I can't even think of anything not newborn related to say on twitter or Facebook. I feel like I got really boring overnight. Someone came and stole Sarah in the night and replaced her with a milk making automaton.
None of my clothes fit me and I'm not so keen on the new baggy look I have been forced to adopt. I keep trying things on thinking that there must be something that looks ok and then I look in the mirror and hate what looks back. Now I take full responsibility for this: I willingly stuffed my face knowing full well there would be a price to pay and a diet to embark on but it's still a bit demoralising when I see the spare tire hanging over my waistbands...
I have this really quite odd feeling of waiting for everything to get back to normal then realising that nothing will ever be the same again: that this is the new normal...
I love Hunter more than anything but there is very little joy in caring for a newborn. He cries ALOT and it's so hard not to take it personally. I'm sure when he smiles at me for the first time, it will make these weeks of relentless eating, sleeping and crying all worthwhile: that day can't come quick enough.
I wonder where I will go next: do I have a career to go back to or is this how I will be defined now? And if this IS my new role, am I going to be any good at it?
I know this all sounds doom laden and I assure you, it's probably just a grey sky and baby blues but I have always promised to be honest here and this is how I feel today.
Yesterday Andy and I sold my little purple mini and bought a black, family friendly Ford Focus and I felt quite sad about it. Of course we need a more sensible car now and life will be infinitely easier when the Focus arrives but I feet like I was saying goodbye to the last vestiges of the life that was and saying hello to a new life that is. And it's scary.
So today I will mainly be caring for the baby, attempting to get dressed at some point and tackling the thank you cards we need to write to all the generous people who have given us such lovely things for Hunter over the past few weeks: we are very lucky. Im sorry if you think I sound ungracious and that isn't my intention at all: I always wanted to be a wife and mother and all my dreams are coming true. I'm just going to blame my baby blues on the weather.
Oh and just to assure you: I'm fairly sure this isn't PND: I don't feel that bad, just needed a big old whinge!
Roll on some sunshine:)